A Break from Radio Silence

There's been a bit of a Radio Silence from me for a while, so here's the scoop:

I finally have found a medication that balances my moods and helps me to sleep. It is a miracle of the gods. After trying a lot of medications in the past that just blanketed the problem and left me feeling fuzzy in a not-so-good way, or medications that did the opposite of what they were supposed to and made me horribly depressed with mood swings worse than a menopausal monster - I was slightly wary at giving another medication a try.
I will say this, my new doctors are amazing.
They actually listen to my concerns and my past, I feel comfortable with them, and they explain EVERYTHING to me and don't just go along willy nilly prescribing random things and treating me like a human lab rat. If an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant don't work, instead of trying something with the same ingredients, they take a completely new approach and find a different type of medication that applies to my concerns.
So, for the first time in over six years, I feel truly myself. I've discovered my base mood is incredibly upbeat, and I haven't been crippled by lows in almost two months. Life has thrown some hard balls at me, but I'm able to handle them now and -GASP- adult. Yup. I'm adulting. Many thanks to Propranolol and Trazadone.
I'm pushing the restart button on life, pretty literally in fact, and juggling quite a few jobs that ALL fit my interests while paying the bills. There's definitely some challenges coming ahead, but I feel like it'll be okay for the first time in an incredibly long time, and best of all--I have some of the most amazing and incredible friends and family standing by my side to help me through it all.

Shake it Off?

It won't stop.

No matter how many medications I take,

no matter what I do to try and keep myself busy,

It. Won't. Stop.

It's as if all of my thoughts are reverberating down my spine and exiting through my limbs. My right side has always been worse than my left. Sometimes it speeds up my typing, but now it's so bad it makes me cautious and aware of each key that I press, taking care to press the right ones as having to delete is more time consuming than usual. 

The house is quiet. 

All of the animals sleeping peacefully around me as my head spins and my eyes bulge from the energy and the whirring of the thoughts inside my brain. I feel like an hourglass, just waiting for the time when the sand empties and the shaking stops, living for that brief hiatus when it needs to be flipped -- for the moment that my head, my body, is at peace.

It can't come soon enough.

I feel the drugs working on my heart. I can't take anti-depressants as they have a reverse effect on me, so instead I use a low dose beta-blocker to slow my heart, slow my thoughts, and, eventually, stop the shaking. 

But today it's no use. 

I've been shaking for hours.

The headaches come and go, and worsen each time they return.

The worst part is, I don't even know what brought this on. It may be residual from the other day, it may be a different trigger entirely. Whatever it is, it has my body more worked up than I've been in almost a year. Times like these, the only thing I can really do is write. 

I can relate to the aggravation of mild Parkinson's sufferers. 

Fingers don't fail me now.

Not What You Expected

Dear 17 year old me,

     I know that right now you have your entire life ahead of you. You have just graduated high school, have your license, and see nothing but freedom and opportunity ahead of you. You plan on marrying your high school sweetheart, having three to four kids, and working in corporate America.
     I am writing to tell you that these things will not happen.
     Your life will not be the picture perfect cookie-cutter life you think you will have. It will be difficult, it will be challenging, and it will test you until you think you are about to burst. It will not be the life you imagined. It will be so much more.
     Your life will be filled with adventure. You will travel over half of the mainland United States and Canada, obtaining a thirst for travel and a plan that encompasses visiting Europe and beyond. You will grow to be stronger than you ever imagined, having a backbone and the belief that it should be used and that you deserve to be heard. You will find a multitude of ways to be self-sufficient, and even start your own business.
     You will have days when you don't believe in yourself, your strength, or your experiences, but you will learn to work through them. On these days most of all, you will see and understand the beautiful people that you have surrounded yourself with, and appreciate every cell that goes into their being. You have these friends to thank for helping you along the way when you falter. Hug them. Love them. Laugh with them. These are some of the people that make everything worth it and help you find your way when it seems lost forever.
     Right now, you are finishing a cross-country road trip with a couple of these aforementioned beautiful people. It is one of the most perfect experiences you could have, and the places you fall in love with will surprise you. You experience ups and downs, but you are happy. Legitimately happy.

- Me

Roadtrip Therapy

     The pull and release of emotion is all too familiar. I suppose I've had a good go of it, it's been a few weeks after all. Eventually the insomnia associated with my bipolar highs catches up with me and the world begins to dim. Colors less vibrant, edges less crisp, happiness more subdued and anger and depression more easily accessible. My low is coming.
     I never know just how long they will last. I can attempt a guess based on the last cycle, but there's no true tell. I do know my triggers, and avoid them for now. My divorce is one. You'd be surprised at both how much and how little that comes up. It comes up and matters less than you think it will when it's fresh, yet comes up more often than you'd think once it's been a while and you think you're over it. I'm basically over it, I'm just sad when I see young twenty-somethings in healthy marriages, celebrating their 5th year of marriage with their high school sweetheart. I wanted that to be me.
     As odd as it might sound, a road trip is the best time for me to hit a low. As much anxiety as I can sometimes get just preparing myself to go to the grocery store, somehow, road trips make me just as equally calm and happy. Driving along the highway gives me so much peace, exploring new places, taking in the scenery, falling in love with places I never would have imagined to be half as entrancing as they are. For me, it is Missouri.
     Missouri is the state I least expected to fall in love with, but as love stories go, it was head-over-heels love at first sight. The rolling hills and mountains with their hidden caverns and cliffs, covered in trees and bushes and appearing in a time all their own. It's breathtaking. I'm glad I'm hitting my low now, if you can ever be glad to hit a low, because of just how much tranquility and joy well up in my heart and, no matter how difficult it may seem, begin to curl a smile across my lips.
     I am in love.