I Am a Writer

I have just discovered that I, am a writer.

I have always thought of myself as an artist, and to a degree I am. Painting and woodworking and refinishing furniture are some of my favorite ways to occupy my time. I couldn't live without it, I tried.

But --

I, am a writer.

                                            I get manic, I write. 

                                            I get depressed, I write. 

                                            I am overjoyed, I write. 

                                            I'm unsure, I write. 

                                            I'm every emotion at once and falling apart from feeling
                                              too much...

                       I write. 

Writing is my soul. Whether or not anyone else ever reads any of these god forsaken blurbs I'll be embarrassed of in a month, it's not for them. It's for me.
And I wouldn't be here today without it.

The Love We Deserve

A friend recently went through a slightly tumultuous break up with an incredibly toxic and manipulative person. It brought me back to one of my favorite lines from a book, "We accept the love we think we deserve." The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky.
     You always wonder why the sweet girl ends up with the full-of-himself, aloof jerk. Or why the good guy ends up with the bitchy, bossy, over-the-top girlfriend. Neither the sweet girl or good guy are happy, and they deserve so much better, yet here they sit. Why?

I am living proof of Chbosky's statement. I know why. 

     Having my family torn apart at age 18 and still removing shrapnel from the explosion today, being married at 21 and divorced at 22, and receiving a diagnosis of bipolar disorder at 24, I am broken. I feel like damaged goods. Like recycled trash that will never find anyone broken and battered enough to see it as something still useable. I am wrong. In my highs, I know I am wrong. It's in the back of my head, but I can push it away. In my lows, I feel it is the truest statement I have ever breathed.
     When you go through trauma, of any sort, you feel like pieces of you are broken and missing. You begin to feel ashamed that whatever happened, happened, and you feel less than desirable because of it. So when someone throws their attentions your way you think to yourself, 'Can this be? Do they actually want me? Am I good enough for them?' and your heart begins to swell. And the more broken they are, the safer you feel that your own failings will not be a downfall in this relationship. Together you can pretend to be whole.
     This is why we accept that love. This is why we can't truly love until we learn to love ourselves. Being content in your skin and loving yourself can be the hardest thing you've ever had to try and do.

But that is the love that you actually do deserve. 

"I just want you to know that you're very special...and the only reason I'm telling you this is that I don't know if anyone else ever has." The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Its the Little Accomplishments

Ten Thousand Words

10,348 to be exact

For my first novel I have to say, this is pretty exciting. I've had the idea floating around and worked on it sporadically in more of an outline sense for a quite a few months but was always afraid to take that leap to sit and just start writing. 

Never has a keyboard become more intimidating.

Then along came NaNoWriMo and little did I know, it would be just the push I needed to let my writing juices flow freely and quit judging myself and just get it all out there. Ten thousand might be a beginner's triumphant landmark in the lofty goal that is Fifty Thousand Words, but having five days of writing with over two thousand words written each day after a summer of nothing but outlines, that means something. It might seem silly to some that the NaNoWriMo website awards badges to your profile when you hit goals such as these, but right now I am wearing that badge with pride. I can go to sleep tonight knowing I'm just that much closer toward achieving my dream. Maybe the whole thing is silly, but when you have a community of support for what you're doing you figure, you know what? why not! 

So now its your turn. What fairy tales do you have lying in wait inside of you?

"There is nothing to writing. 

All you do is sit down to a typewriter 

and bleed."

- Ernest Hemingway

Writing Battle: Depressing vs. Happy ... GO!

Today I have found that writing happiness is oddly more difficult than writing murky depressive, emotional scenes. 

You have to wonder if that says anything about you as a person. 

     When the happiness comes, it is inspired by real past life experiences, but those moments are fleeting. The emotions of deep despair, of self depreciation, of confusion, disorientation, and loneliness; those are more readily accessible. These lie in wait just below the surface, clawing and pulling their way through the thin layer of happiness that coats the top.
     It's difficult to write when you're feeling happy, because you fear your writing may become too distant and un-relatable in its fairytale likeness.

And so, I break to learn the guitar for the Sunday School Christmas Program.

And attempt to reach my previous depressive state. 

Writer's Block

Taking a break from my novel writing for NaNoWriMo...

That's a lie.

Writer's block has officially stuck. 

Writing my first novel is a bit daunting. I was very excited about it at first and went gung-ho and was incredibly excited when I had 1,000 words written...until I realized how little 1,000 words is in the grand scheme of things. And I began to get un-excited. And then daunted. And frightened.

And then came Cole. 

She's basically the best. She is always there. I mean ALWAYS. She's like the Alfred to Bruce Wayne. She has all the solutions tucked away in her sleeves and imparts all of her knowledge upon this lowly grasshopper at precisely the moment it is needed. I don't think there will ever be a time I don't look up to her. In fact, you should probably check her out at www.nicoleatone.com. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be reviewing books for Alternating Current, which you should also check out, I wouldn't be pursuing my art further...heck, without her I wouldn't be pursuing any of my passions or believing I could actually do them.

Today's lesson: Know your support, and love and appreciate them with everything you've got. They probably need it more than you know, and after all, you need them more than they know.