Monday, August 9, 2010

Baby Steps

What do you do when you don’t know what to do? When you don’t know who you are? What if you’ve only just now begun to realize you’ve never truly been yourself. Who are you? Do you even know?

Forget for now the day to day worries of whether or not deadlines are met and if bills are paid. Think about who you want to become. Think about who you are right now at this very point, think about who you want to be half a lifetime from now, and think about who you’re going to be in getting there.

I’ve only begun to see how repressed I’ve forced myself to become. For silly and ridiculous reasons. Even the smallest things about myself I would lie instead of let people know the truth, because I was afraid of how they’d react. I’ve always sought other people’s approval. I needed to make sure I wasn’t going to be the person to let them down. I made sure I was something I’m not.

Only just recently has it struck me that I’m not happy. I’ve changed from the person I used to be, though still existed even though it remained hidden, and while I’m inwardly realizing that things aren’t right…instead of brushing it aside and dealing with being unhappy, I say nothing. So far the only time I’ve really spoken up is to get myself out of a long and unhealthy situation. While that’s good, I know, that’s it. In a little over a month, that’s it.

Instead of bubbling and full of life and a carefree happiness, I’ve become still. The giddy thoughts that once were coursing constantly through my veins have all but ceased completely, and instead I’m left with nothing but questions. Other people’s opinions of me means a bit less than it used to, but I’m still intimidated to have a voice of my own and be heard.

Baby steps.