There and Back Again

Driving through the city at almost midnight,
and I realize for the first time how much the streetlights
look like stars and constellations,
guiding the lost souls home once again.

Speeding along the thruway I feel
as though I'm rocketing through space,
watching in awe as all of these bright beacons
float past me.

I wonder how easily lost an airplane might become
with both stars above and stars below
to guide it...
Or would it find its way more easily with two guides?

The beauty of the city captures me,
and I fall in love once again.

Hitting Rock Bottom

There is no worse feeling than watching your friend go down a path that will only hurt them and cause them to fall further than they've ever known they could, and knowing you can do nothing to stop this from happening. You know this path all too well, as you yourself have tread it not so very long ago. You watch her make all of the same mistakes, the same excuses, the same bullshit reasoning for why this is going to be the time that he proves himself worthy of her. You are watching your friend be manipulated into an abusive relationship and despite all of your warnings and voiced concerns, she assures you she can handle herself this time. You are watching her get slowly sucked into the brain washed state, the one you swore you'd never let envelope her again. You are watching her go back to re-live all the pain and struggle that has become the merry-go-round of her life these past three years. And it breaks you.
It shatters you down to your very core. She is your soulmate, your best friend, the one single person you tell absolutely everything to, and you are watching her crumble until there's nothing left. You crumble with her. You've felt heartbreak before, but none like this. This is more intense than a momma bear protecting her cub, and runs deeper than the blood in your veins. You feel every inch of your being shatter and slowly fall away. You suddenly understand the tale of Humpty Dumpty in an entirely new way, and you wonder if her pieces will ever be put together the same again or if you've lost her for good this time.

A Day in the Life of Wonder Woman

     Being bipolar I occasionally have delusions, i.e. things that I see, hear, or feel, that aren't necessarily there. For example, when I am in a high and feel the need to be clean (Did I mention I have slight OCD as well that comes out in cleanliness and organization? No? Oh, well, I have slight OCD that mainly takes the form of a need for cleanliness and organization, among other things.), I see bugs. Everywhere. I don't mean horror movie style bugs crawling over everything while a 1950's housewife howls with fear, I mean in the corner of my eye I will see a few realistic bugs crawling/flying/spinning a web. Usually I can tell when these are delusions by the fact that my friends don't see them (when I ask them if they're there). When I can't tell, I clean more vigorously. Lately, thanks to the beauty of Trazadone, my highs and lows have been less intense, though I can still feel them, and these delusions don't happen as often.
     Instead, other forms of delusion have begun to take their place.
     I now have incredibly vivid dreams. I've always had my fair share of crazy dreams, but as of late they are an intensity even I had been unfamiliar with. If I dream about someone, they end up calling me within hours--usually in reference to what we were discussing in my dream. I'm beginning to feel like Karen from Mean Girls. I have ESPN.
     There are times when being bipolar can be very tiresome, aggravating, depressing, and downright a pain in the ass. But then there are other times when you almost feel like you've got a super power. This little secret gift that you have, bestowed on you as a gift for dealing with the inner workings of your brain every day of your life.
     Today, I am a super hero.

More Money, More Problems

If there is anything I have learned in this past month, it is this: I would much rather be poor and barely scraping by than to be working every hour of my life doing something that provides nothing but monetary gain. I may have seven or eight odd jobs at the moment, and I may not be getting paid for all of them, but I'll be damned if I don't enjoy each and every one of them. So I can't afford new things; I have my books, I have my animals, and I have the basic necessities of life.
What more does a girl really need?

5am Flight

The direct light from the overhead
above my 3rd row seat
acts as a spotlight to the
scratches and sprawling of
my early morning whims.
I linger in the absolute, crisp
lines of shadow
listening to the murmured voices
of passengers around me.
I feel as though my writing,
this writing,
is on its own stage.
Offering a performance to those
who deign to crane their necks
and venture at deciphering
my harried combination of
print and cursive.
The voices grow, my performance
drawing to a close.
I return to my books, offering
their words the stage presence
they have already achieved.

I was born a Rambling Man

I am incredibly tired, and yet I feel the need to write. Do you think eye floaters come more when you're tired? It would be an interesting thing to test, but then again, there are plenty of studies already that tell us how we all need more sleep, yet we never listen. What if we could test natural healing against pharmaceuticals? See if there's a natural way to get the same benefits you can get from a pill. What if we could test against all drugs? We would probably find the answer to them all to be a healthy diet, exercise, sleep, and brain exercise. And of course flossing your teeth. All the things we're supposed to do but don't because we're too lazy. Myself included.