I'm not happy...

It's been some time since I've written, and dear me the changes that abound. I've officially taken steps into the adult world and found, dare I say it, my career. I have finally begun a job that I want to do for the rest of my days. It's funny to say, but even though I'm in a low swing and depressed and at most times close to tears, this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. No, the most content.

Being content is an interesting concept. We usually always talk of being happy, being frustrated, depressed, dissatisfied--but we never usually mention content. My life has seen an intense upheaval with many pitfalls of trial and error over the past six years. It has constantly changed and evolved and I have become someone I never knew would be possible. I never thought I would pine so much for the comfort of being content. The comfort of being still.

And here I am six years later with an eclectic little apartment that appropriately reflects my own eccentricities, with bills that I can afford to pay, a car I can rely on, pets that are well fed and taken care of, a partner who supports my every endeavor, two jobs instead of six--both in the literary field that I love, and over a 3.0 GPA. I have all of this and an amazing counselor to help me finally address my bipolar disorder, OCD, and psychosis. I am constantly pinching myself to make sure this is real.

My mood might be stuck on depressed at the moment, but I am a different level of happy; I am content.

High-Functioning

An important point was brought up to me today that gave me the most incredible “Ah-ha!” moment. I began reading Esme Weijun Wang’s blog on the recommendation of a friend. I was immediately drawn to her post on psychological disorders and being high-functioning. Esme has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, but is a high functioning schizophrenic.  Usually when you are diagnosed with a mental illness such as this, or my own bipolar disorder, it is suggested that you work in low-level jobs to make it easier to collect yourself, aka fast food type environments. In her article, Esme talks about how she can’t work at McDonald’s, but she can run a business.

            There are so many different levels of mental illness, and this article really made me think of how we need to treat each individual as just that. If you meet five people on the street who all have the same college degree, will you immediately think all of them will act exactly the same and end up in the same exact career? Of course not. So why assume that those with mental disorders, despite some being low functioning, some being high functioning, and some unable to function at all, will all have the same limitations?

            I am stuck inside of my brain every single day. It can be the hardest challenge to even get out of bed some days, but when I have a job that challenges me and holds me accountable and demands that I put this brain that won’t shut off to good use—I can function. I can contribute something to society. Currently I’m working five different jobs and I’m going back to school. I am a teacher, a tutor, a writer, and an entrepreneur.  I’m also a sales associate at a retail store. My job in retail causes panic and anxiety attacks before every call in and every shift. Once I am there, it is busy enough to distract me from myself, but my symptoms are still going on to the point that I end up sick by the end of the night. This low-level job that is supposed to be simple, easy-on-the-brain income has become my main source of triggers and anxiety.
           This is my second attempt at a retail position in the past two years, and I had originally thought it was a break down in my mental state that was holding me back, as years ago I loved working retail. Since then I have found ways to cope with my inner self and a couple of medications that help significantly, so I decided to give retail another shot. It disappointed me that I was having the same reactions that I had when I was without medication, and I felt as thought something was wrong with me until I read this article. It made me realize that not everyone is fit for the same things, and though most people use fast food or retail as an entrance to the work force, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me when I can’t handle the environment.  To quote Esme’s article and Andrew Solomon’s book Far from the Tree, “Intermittently, I have little things trigger here and there, but they only last a day or two… Some people get stressed and their back goes out. I get stressed and my mind goes out. But then it comes back.”